talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
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