I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Randomize
