He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
We are all done wearing pants today
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
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