if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
