We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
