So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
