I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Strip flip cup NEVER equals good idea
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
