I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
