I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
she pinky promised me she was 18
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
