she woke up with a sticky ear
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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