I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
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