I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
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