I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
