he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
Randomize
