we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
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