I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
