It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Randomize
