my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
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i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
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A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter