I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
25 Porn Addicts Admit Their Biggest Pet Peeves
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
These 23 People Walked In On Someone And Saw Some Crazy Sh*t
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.