bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
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