So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.