So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Randomize
