Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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