Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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