If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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