Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
