Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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