Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
