So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
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