Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
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He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
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I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.