just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Holy sore nipples Batman
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
