i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Randomize
