I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
