Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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