I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
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