Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
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