Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
