You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
