took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
I did not marry a roomba.
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