yo my bday is less then one week away. hope youve found another annoying candian i can lick dairy products off of. also sorry about your loss
After last night, I could never be a politician.
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
