Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
