i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Randomize
