i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Randomize
