Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize
