Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
