if you like me you must not know who I am
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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