She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
