There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
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