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does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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