the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
