Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
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