just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
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