4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
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