as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I want to be your penis for a week.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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