Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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