she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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