WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
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