Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Randomize
