Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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