Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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