don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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