nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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