she's into porn, im staying here tonight
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
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