she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
I love having hate sex.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Randomize
